It’s My Life and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Posted: April 28th, 2010 | Author: FibroChick | Filed under: Fibromyalgia | Tags: , , , | 13 Comments »

Seems this world is not one for emotions. It seems these days the slightest show of emotion has doctors whipping out their prescription pads and family members running for cover. My Rheumatologist once stated that I needed help for my depression because “most people with Fibromyalgia don’t cry in my office”. This, I will point out, well discussing that fact that my symptoms were so severe I had to leave my job. Really? It’s not normal to feel sad, angry and distraught when your illness takes your life away? Really? My mother used to tell me about the days that doctors where so oblivious to what women were going through that they would suggest that an upset women just ‘needs a new blue dress’. I ask you, is today any different? Now we seem just to need a nice pink pill. Well golly gee, if only I’d known doing nothing could be this satisfying. So peaceful and serene . . .

I sometimes it feels like I am the only one who is concerned about anything anymore. Quite frankly, I find this lack of worry rather worrisome.  I wonder, where on earth we’d be if some of the great minds of the past had their sense of urgency dulled. What if simply ‘being’ had been enough for Beethoven? Why is there is no room for urgency in this world? No room to panic that something might not get finished, ’cause hey, you know what, everything is just fine. Something bugging you? That was in the past man, don’t look at it, let it go. Why dwell? Well, maybe Van Gough has the answer. Do you think he ever dwelled in a place in his mind that others may not have found as beautiful as his paintings?  I certainly think so.

I actually don’t think we are meant to be happy all of the time. Content all of the time. There are reasons to grieve that go beyond the everyday accepted time limits for grief. What about regret? Don’t you miss regret? Shouldn’t everybody have regrets? There is something that happens to us as people when we refuse to regret. It’s ok to regret something, and move on. It’s ok to revisit regret from time to time so we don’t make the same mistakes over and over again. It’s ok to remember. Does it hurt? Sometimes, but that’s ok too. It’s ok to grieve. People seem to always push to get rid of hurt for fear that it will hold them back. But sometimes I think that dulling the hurt, the non-acknowledgement of the hurt can hold us back even more. Some days are just sad. We work really hard to teach that to our children, that it’s ok to feel. Then we work extra hard to make sure we never show them. It seems we’re supposed to work extra hard to not show anyone. So, to my Rheumatologist; it’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to! You would cry too, if it happened to you.

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