Chronic Pain Clinic

Posted: April 20th, 2011 | Author: FibroChick | Filed under: Fibromyalgia | No Comments »

So I started at the Chronic Pain Clinic. I can tell you it works- I’m in pain! Ouch, ouch, went the first week. Sleep, sleep goes the second. Right now it’s kind of like a tornado of me. A lot of learning, a lot of reminding and lot of recognizing. The program itself is very positive, which I love. There is a strong focus on setting realistic goals and focusing on what you can do. Great for someone like me who tends to try too hard, crash and then beat myself up for failing. I am looking forward to succeeding. Maybe relaxing my expectations a little, finding some simplicity.

Simplicity never seems to come simply though does it? The start of this journey has been intense, there have been wakeful nights spent worrying about sleep. The exercises are so hard and the worst of it is, they are not hard. They are as simple as exercises can get, yet they are so hard. That’s part of recognition for me. I am not who I used to be. This is me now and I can either cry about it (which I do sometimes) or I can go ahead and make the best of it. I hope this program helps me figure out how to make the best of it. How to let go of old habits and thoughts that take up all the room in my mind and bully all the new thoughts and habits away.

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Back, but a little lost

Posted: January 24th, 2011 | Author: FibroChick | Filed under: Fibromyalgia | 2 Comments »

So, I haven’t written in a very long time. Apparently a very, very long time. I’ll tell you the truth, I came back here and I expected the last post to be dated in December, maybe November. It’s August. Right there for everyone to see. August. I don’t know exactly how it happened. I kept wondering what I’d already written but I was too tired to go back and check.  I worried about rewriting something, or worse, contradicting myself. I remembered saying, quite out loud, that I am not depressed. So I worried, what if you saw the desperation in my words. What if I told you of the mornings. The ones where I just lay there and I can’t even move, I’m trying, but what if you think I’m not trying hard enough?

I don’t have too much of a good reason. You’re spamming me!!! Stop spamming me! I can’t tell the spam from the comments and now I’m suspicious of everyone. Tell me who you are, tell me that you love me but don’t tell me to buy your cheap mp3! Unless you actually love me and are somebody and really want someone to buy your mp3 . . . you can see where I get lost.

So here I am, back, but a little lost.

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I Wish I’d Put the Milk on the Floor

Posted: August 11th, 2010 | Author: FibroChick | Filed under: Fibromyalgia | No Comments »

So, hubby and I stop by the drug store for some milk last night. The parking lot was completely full so he had to stay with the car while I went in and got the milk. So I walk into the store, look around for coupons a bit (sorry hubby!), then go and grab the milk. When I get to the checkout there is a line, a long line ahead of me. It’s too long to reach forward and set the milk down on the counter. So I’m holding it, all four litres, and I feel a bit of a panic come on. I need this line to move now. I shift the milk from one hand to another, I try holding it like a baby to lesson the impact on my shoulders. I rationalize that a simple everyday task like picking up milk cannot possibly have an ill effect. Can it? No. Don’t be silly I tell myself. I once walked home in minus 30, eight blocks with a baby in a stroller and twelve bags of groceries (uphill both ways?) This is just milk.

The funny thing is, in the morning, when I woke up with a splitting headache, it took me three and a half hours to put two and two together. I woke up thinking ‘man, I need a new pillow’. I got up thinking ‘geez I’m dehydrated, I need some water’. I saw through the fog and thought, ’whoo that’s quite a caffeine headache, I need some coffee’. Then I sat, ate, took some Advil, and eventually thought ‘ahhh, I shoulda set the milk on the floor’. Darn social graces.

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Fibromyalgia Awareness Day -May, 12th

Posted: May 12th, 2010 | Author: FibroChick | Filed under: Fibromyalgia | Tags: , , | 8 Comments »

I have been trying to decide what to write about for Fibromyalgia awareness day. I thought -it better be magnificent. Maybe I could write about support, maybe a research post about the condition itself, maybe a post about symptoms so others could become ‘aware’. Then I realized, I have become aware. I have had such a long journey and I have finally become aware. I was diagnosed eighteen years ago. Do you know what Fibromyalgia was eighteen years ago? It was a catch all. It was a name that didn’t mean anything. It was a condition, but not really. A diagnoses, but not really. To most people it meant that someone was weak, lazy, depressed, whiney.

Until very recently I had never, not once, visited a specialist and had them say ‘this new symptom you’re experiencing is part of Fibromyalgia’. Until very recently it was like my body was made up of many different bodies all unrelated to each other, each taken care of by a different specialist. Each new symptom has been explored, tests have been run, and everyone has held their breath and held out for hope that this new symptom would lead us to what is really wrong with me. My mother- when I was a child, my family physician- always, my husband- as an adult and I have searched, what feels like, the world over. We have searched for the final puzzle piece that will make the picture of my illness clear. We are aware now, we are aware now.

Where symptoms associated with Fibromyalgia once were; tiredness, morning stiffness, aches and pain, anxiety and sleeplessness. They now include; hypoglycemia, TMJ, skin disorders, irritable bowel, restless legs, low blood pressure, cognitive overload, memory problems, nerve pain, myofacial pain, acid reflux, interstitial cystitis, vision changes, increased sensitivity, irritable bladder, among others. These are now clinically documented symptoms. I believe that this will ease the journey for those just developing this disorder. I believe that how far the science of Fibromyalgia has come will allow focus on what to do about it.

I am aware now.

Where once I was resentful to the doctor who diagnosed me for not bothering to figure out what was really wrong, now I am grateful that he recognized a condition others scoffed at.

Where once I was embarrassed to tell emergency room staff that I have Fibromyalgia, now I am empowered to help educate.

Where once I was searching for what was really wrong, now I am searching for how to make it right.

Where once I would not have asked for help when suffering from my condition, now I may reach out.  

Where once I wouldn’t tell my neighbours, now I will wave, even when I get the mail at 3:00 p.m. in my pyjamas.

Where once I fought against my condition, now I will fight for it.

Where once I resented those who complained for making me look weak, now I am grateful, I am thankful, I am aware that you are the reason for this day.

Where once I was unaware, now I am aware.

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It’s My Life and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Posted: April 28th, 2010 | Author: FibroChick | Filed under: Fibromyalgia | Tags: , , , | 13 Comments »

Seems this world is not one for emotions. It seems these days the slightest show of emotion has doctors whipping out their prescription pads and family members running for cover. My Rheumatologist once stated that I needed help for my depression because “most people with Fibromyalgia don’t cry in my office”. This, I will point out, well discussing that fact that my symptoms were so severe I had to leave my job. Really? It’s not normal to feel sad, angry and distraught when your illness takes your life away? Really? My mother used to tell me about the days that doctors where so oblivious to what women were going through that they would suggest that an upset women just ‘needs a new blue dress’. I ask you, is today any different? Now we seem just to need a nice pink pill. Well golly gee, if only I’d known doing nothing could be this satisfying. So peaceful and serene . . .

I sometimes it feels like I am the only one who is concerned about anything anymore. Quite frankly, I find this lack of worry rather worrisome.  I wonder, where on earth we’d be if some of the great minds of the past had their sense of urgency dulled. What if simply ‘being’ had been enough for Beethoven? Why is there is no room for urgency in this world? No room to panic that something might not get finished, ’cause hey, you know what, everything is just fine. Something bugging you? That was in the past man, don’t look at it, let it go. Why dwell? Well, maybe Van Gough has the answer. Do you think he ever dwelled in a place in his mind that others may not have found as beautiful as his paintings?  I certainly think so.

I actually don’t think we are meant to be happy all of the time. Content all of the time. There are reasons to grieve that go beyond the everyday accepted time limits for grief. What about regret? Don’t you miss regret? Shouldn’t everybody have regrets? There is something that happens to us as people when we refuse to regret. It’s ok to regret something, and move on. It’s ok to revisit regret from time to time so we don’t make the same mistakes over and over again. It’s ok to remember. Does it hurt? Sometimes, but that’s ok too. It’s ok to grieve. People seem to always push to get rid of hurt for fear that it will hold them back. But sometimes I think that dulling the hurt, the non-acknowledgement of the hurt can hold us back even more. Some days are just sad. We work really hard to teach that to our children, that it’s ok to feel. Then we work extra hard to make sure we never show them. It seems we’re supposed to work extra hard to not show anyone. So, to my Rheumatologist; it’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to! You would cry too, if it happened to you.

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