So today was a pretty darn good day. By noon, I could feel in my bones that I had a couple of good hours coming my way. It was exciting, like a kid in a play park, what to do, what to do? Well, I put a little happy sound track in my head, a little jazzy number, and headed to the kitchen. We shop with coupons so we have a pretty good little stash of ingredients. It didn’t take me long to find everything I needed to make yummy Butterscotch Brownies.
I haven’t baked in a long time and as I was stirring something felt off. Then I heard a clang and looked down and saw the red mark on my hand where the metal spoon was pushing. My wooden spoon. That was what was missing. When I bake I like to use a big wooden spoon. I like to imagine that this is what my grandmothers would have used. We have so little in this day and age that keeps us connected to the days of long ago and for me, baking is it. Such simple and pure ingredients mixed together to make such a lovely treat. My Grandmother didn’t have an opportunity to buy her family’s treats from the store, everyday she worked from the basics up and nourished her whole family. My mother saw the world get busier and in her ingenuity, sold her baked goods at the school’s fun night bake sale. Me, I stood in my kitchen today, soaked up the sunshine coming through my kitchen window and with my magic stick I remembered, I appreciated and I basked in the connection to the women who made possible this lovely treat that my family would enjoy.
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Taken from The New Canadian Basics Cookbook by Carol Ferguson with Murray Mcmillan
Chewy butterscotch brownies are easy when mixed in one saucepan. Melt 1/4 cup butter in medium saucepan over low heat. Remove from the heat and stir in 1 cup packed brown sugar, 1 egg (don’t forget to use free range) and 1 tsp vanilla; mix well. In separate bowl, mix together 3/4 cup all-purpose flour, 1 tsp baking powder and 1/4 tsp salt; add to mixture in saucepan, stirring until smooth. Stir in 1/2 cup chopped nuts (I skip this step for better chewiness). Spread in greased 8-inch square cake pan. Bake in 350F oven for 25 minutes or until just firm to touch. (I only bake mine for 20 minutes in a convection oven) Let cool for a few minutes; cut into squares while slightly warm. Enjoy!
I cannot take another day of this unproductiveness. I do quite fear my head is actually going to implode if I have to be this for one more day. I cannot watch another tv show, or have another bath. If I do not figure out something to do soon that makes me feel like a contributing member of society then I may just regress to infancy. Why not? Pretty much the same. Just laying around, only half making sense. If only I was cute enough for people to bring me presents of O’kosh overalls. My butt’s getting to be about as soft as a baby’s too. What I wouldn’t give to exercise! Not this walk around the block or try to stretch just a little bit exercise, but real, heart pounding, muscles screaming, sweating like crazy exercise. Gawd how I miss it.
And making money! Boy do I miss that too. Not having money, but making money. Doing some action that someone perceives as so valuable they are actually willing to give me currency for it. Oh how I miss making actions worth currency. I actually started direct investing so as to have a little bit of action that may result in currency but that’s kinda long going and now that I’ve finished my research my money’s just sitting there growing. Like me. Just sitting there. Hopefully the money grows bigger than my butt does.
Though with this lack of exercise the race is on. The race is on my friend.
I was diagnosed many years ago. I was also my sickest many years ago. That is, until about a year and a half ago when everything just hit me full force again. There is a line in Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb that plays from time to time in my life; ‘when I was a child I had a fever, my hands felt just like two balloons, now I’ve got that feeling once again, I can’t explain, you would not understand, this is not how I am.’ Seriously, this is not how I am. Usually I can tie my own shoes, honest. Carry my own groceries and take care of my houseplants. Ok fine, that last one has always been a stretch.
I have spent the last year and a half trying to recreate whatever situation lessened my symptoms before. I have revamped my diet and my exercise routine, I have stayed motivated and thought positive, I have upped my vitamins and taken many baths. To no avail, nothing eases this pain. I try desperately to think of what helped in the past but it is hard to remember. I was a teenager. I can confidently say that shaving my hair into a Mohawk and dying what’s left purple probably won’t help.
Today a dear sweet friend came to visit me. She said that what she wants most is to be able to wake up in the morning and take herself for granted. So true! To be able to waken and then just go about my day without having to even think about it, what freedom that would be! But I think for me, and probably many others, that is unattainable. Striving to be symptom free is a dangerous path, one that can lead to quick fixes, desperation and eventually, despair.
I love this thought though, take myself for granted, it is as beautiful as my dream home and as lovely as my most wanted vacation. But this path to wellness not only smacks of effort, it is chained with effort. And that needs to be ok. I think the only way to be ok is to make it ok. To function from within the symptoms. To cope. To use all those four letter words that mean cope. Love, hope, pray and a few other ones saved especially for the frustrating days. This must be the path, otherwise, who knows what might happen. I just may find myself in the juice section of the grocery store eyeing up shades of purple kool-aid.